Family Conflict

A week ago we looked at the “love story” of Rebekah and Isaac. Isaac was forty years old when his father Abraham sent a trusted servant back to the ancestral lands to find a wife for his son. The servant returned with Rebekah, she and Isaac were married, and we learned this was a comfort to Isaac after the death of his mother.

Today’s text begins twenty years later. Rebekah is pregnant. Conception wasn’t easy for her nor is the pregnancy. She is bearing twins and they contend as much in the womb as they will throughout their lives after they are born.

When the twins are born — fraternal not identical twins — the older boy is named Esau and the younger named Jacob. When they grow up, their mother Rebekah loves Jacob the most and their father Isaac loves Esau the most. Esau is an outdoorsman and Jacob likes to stay indoors at home. If we ever thought dysfunctional families or sibling rivalries were modern inventions, this text should disabuse us of that notion. The text piles layer upon layer upon layer of family conflict.

Today’s scripture provides a remarkably compressed account of family Abraham and its next generation’s story. But you might ask a very legitimate question at this point. What is all this really about? What’s the point? Such a question gets at what scholars sometimes call the metastory, the “story behind the story” or the “story of the story.” And the metastory of Genesis is really quite simple. The first eleven chapters of Genesis, which most scholars call pre-history, contain the epochal stories of creation, humanity’s fall from grace, Noah and the flood, and the tower of Babel which is like humankind’s second fall from grace.

But what are chapters 1-11 of Genesis preparing for? The answer is in the very first verse of chapter 12: “Now the Lord said to Abram, ‘Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.’” (Genesis 12.1) In other words, everything in the early chapters of Genesis prepares us for God ‘s promise to show a new land, a new way, and a new purpose to Abraham. That purpose is to bless all the families of the earth.[1] The rest of Genesis talks about Abraham’s family and God’s promise to that family. We have looked at parts of that story and today the family Abraham saga continues with Rebekah’s and Isaac’s contentious sons Esau and Jacob in Genesis 25 and 28.

These are the descendants of Isaac, Abraham’s son: Abraham was the father of Isaac, and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Paddan-aram, sister of Laban the Aramean. Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord granted his prayer, and his wife Rebekah conceived. The children struggled together within her; and she said, “If it is to be this way, why do I live?” So she went to inquire of the Lord. And the Lord said to her,

When her time to give birth was at hand, there were twins in her womb. The first came out red, all his body like a hairy mantle; so they named him Esau. Afterward his brother came out, with his hand gripping Esau’s heel; so he was named Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when she bore them.

When the boys grew up, Esau was a skillful hunter, a man of the field, while Jacob was a quiet man, living in tents. Isaac loved Esau, because he was fond of game; but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Once when Jacob was cooking a stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was famished. Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stuff, for I am famished!” (Therefore he was called Edom.) Jacob said, “First sell me your birthright.” Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank, and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright.

Now the story of these contentious brothers goes on for several more chapters. Jacob’s trickery and Esau’s dimwittedness cause the elder son to lose his birthright. Two chapters later, with the connivance of Rebekah, Jacob tricks Isaac into giving the father’s blessing to him instead of to Esau. This time, Esau has had enough and vows to murder his brother as soon as he finds him. Rebekah warns her favorite son and tells him to get out of town. Jacob does and along the way he had a dream one night.

Jacob left Beer-sheba and went toward Haran. He came to a certain place and stayed there for the night, because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones of the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place. And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, the top of it reaching to heaven; and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. And the Lord stood beside him and said, “I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your offspring; and your offspring shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and all the families of the earth shall be blessed in you and in your offspring. Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Then Jacob woke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place — and I did not know it!” And he was afraid, and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.”

Some families like to have family portraits made. But if the first part of today’s text could be turned into a painting or photograph, it would not be a pretty picture of family Abraham. Esau seems to be a man controlled by impulses and appetites. Jacob is an opportunistic trickster. Without hesitation he asks of his older brother an incredible price for what amounts to a bowl of lentil soup.[2] And while we may not think much about birthright today, in the Bible’s ancient culture and in some cultures still today, birthright entitles one to a double inheritance and head-of-family status. So Jacob was a materialistic brat and cheated Esau from all of the firstborn’s advantages. And Esau can only blame himself for his dimwitted agreement to it.[3] And the parenting skills of Isaac and Rebekah don’t seem very exemplary either. No, the first part of the text is not a pretty picture and neither Jacob nor Esau appears to be a promising or likely candidate as someone through whom God could or would fulfill his promise. Yet in the second part of the text, God actually renews the promise to Jacob. How do we get from one text to the other?

You might think that the Bible would pretty up a bit such highly unflattering portraits of our spiritual ancestors. If we were editing this as our family history, maybe we’d leave out the selling-birthright story and just include the ladder-to-heaven story. But as always, the scriptures are painfully honest and nasty sibling rivalry and bad parenting are right there for everyone to see. Of course, it’s not like we have never seen this ourselves.

Those of us who are old enough to remember “The Smothers Brothers” television shows of the 1960s will perhaps smile knowingly that Tom and Dick Smothers made a good living off of their sibling rivalry. “Mom always loved you best,” Tommy would whine and Dick would always act rationally and sweet and try to calm his brother. But we knew that Tom was right. Dick was obviously the smart one, the good-looking one, the favored one. What we may not remember is that Dick was also the younger child, almost two years younger than Tommy.[4] So just like Esau and Jacob, there was a reversal of roles in that family. And while the brothers used it for good comedic effect, the actual relationship between Dick and Tom was not always smooth. In fact, this is the case with many if not most relationships between brother and brother, sister and sister, or sister and brother.

I remember quite a few years ago when I was serving the Presbyterian church in Birmingham, Michigan. I received a call from the funeral home asking if I could do a funeral for a family that didn’t belong to my church but they were requesting a Presbyterian minister. When I went to visit the family, I discovered that the deceased was a man in his mid-eighties who had five sons and daughters, all of whom were present. What I usually do in a situation like that, when I don’t know any of the family, is to gather everyone around and encourage them to talk about their loved one, in this case, their father. I try to listen carefully both to what is and isn’t said and take notes. Doing that not only helps me prepare what I will say during the funeral but it often helps the family care for and support each other in their time of loss.

I remember this family because it was actually a warm and caring conversation and at certain points they ended up talking about how they each related to their father differently. There was some typical banter about “oldest,” “youngest,” and “middle” children and most of the remarks were sweet and warmhearted. But I also sensed a bit of the tensions inevitably present in any large family. Then one of the daughters, the youngest I think, obviously poking some fun at her oldest sister said, “You know, first children are like when you make waffles. The first one never turns out quite right and you usually have to throw it away.”

They all laughed but the younger ones laughed harder than the oldest. And those of you who are the oldest child in your families might smile a bit at this amusing analogy, even if you’ve heard it before. You may also be testy about it. And those of you who are younger children, especially if you’re the youngest like I am, you may be thinking, Yeah, the waffle story is about right.

For this taps into a very lively issue. In fact, there are people who argue that birth order largely determines who we are and how we behave. Go to Amazon.com or a local Barnes & Noble or Borders and you’ll find lots of books about the importance of birth order.[5] In a comment about one of these books it was said that everyone should read it because the book was truly groundbreaking. Someone wrote, “It will change marriages, families, friendships, businesses — maybe even the world!”

We can understand family dynamics until the cows come home but all that understanding will not much change any of our family dynamics. In fact, if we understand more, we are just more likely to rationalize and justify our behavior. I’m the youngest child. That’s why I behave the way that I do and it’s okay. I can be who I am. Well, maybe. Maybe not. It depends on whether our behavior is good or not.

When we start to rationalize or justify behavior and apply that way of thinking to the Bible, it’s easy to think that God blessed Jacob because of Jacob’s behavior. In fact, this is how the story is often interpreted. The Bible clearly says that God blessed Jacob, not Esau. Therefore, the thinking goes, Jacob’s behavior must have been okay and Isaac or Rebekah or both must have parented well. In the history of interpretation of these texts, that’s a very typical viewpoint.

In one of his books, a rabbi named Joseph Telushkin recalls that when he was attending Jewish day school, he was taught that Jacob always acted appropriately but Esau was an evil person, even an idol worshiper.[6] Because Isaac favored his oldest son even though Esau was so evil, it was taught in Jewish school that Rebekah and Jacob had to take preemptive action and their behavior was right and good. In fact, there is a longstanding suspicion of Esau in Jewish writing. A passage in the Babylonian Talmud says that Esau committed five sins on the day he sold his birthright. It is said that he violated an engaged woman, murdered a person, denied God, rejected the notion of the resurrection of the dead, and then spurned his birthright.[7] Who could have any sympathy for such a despicable person? No one, and God blessed Jacob because he acted rightly.

But once again, we miss the point of the scriptures when we read them moralistically instead of theologically. Why did God bless Jacob? It wasn’t because Jacob behaved rightly.

We know this because of what happened immediately after Jacob’s amazing dream about a ladder up to heaven and God’s promise to always be with him. After Jacob woke up early the next morning, he piled up some stones to mark that special place. Then he made this vow: “If God will be with me, and [IF God] will keep me in this way that I go, and [IF God] will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, so that I come again to my father’s house in peace, then the Lord shall be my God, and this stone, which I have set up for a pillar, shall be God’s house; and of all that you give me I will surely give one tenth to you.” (Genesis 28.20-22) [emphasis added]

Three verses after Jacob sees into heaven, sees the ladder into heaven with all God’s angels going up and down, sees God standing with him and promising to always be with him and bring him home, three verses after that, Jacob is still the trickster, still bargaining. Only now he’s bargaining with God instead of Esau. “If you give me your birthright, Esau, then I’ll give you soup.” “If God will be with me and if he does what he promises, then he’ll be my God and then I’ll give him ten percent!” Jacob sees into heaven and sees God and still doesn’t get it. Why does God bless him?

Because God is God.[8] That’s the only way to get from the lentil soup text to the heavenly ladder text. That’s the true metastory, the story behind the story. It’s the story of Jacob. It’s the story of Genesis. It’s the story of the Bible. It’s the story that Jesus came to tell and die for. That God in sovereignty is gracious to those who don’t deserve it. To Jacob. And to you and me.

I’m reminded of the story about a wonderful Christian man who after living a long and righteous life dies and goes to heaven. And as is the case in all such stories, Saint Peter meets him outside the Pearly Gates.

“That will be fine,” said Peter. “But first we need to determine how many points you’ve earned because it takes 1,000 points to get into heaven. Tell me how you lived your life.”

“Well, I was married to a wonderful woman for 62 years and I was always faithful to her alone.”

“Oh! Okay, well, ah, I went to church almost every Sunday. In fact, I sang in my church’s choir for more than 50 years.”

“And for many years I taught Sunday school. I was a Boy Scout leader, drove for Meals On Wheels, and when I retired, I volunteered at the Senior Center.”

“Wow,” the man said. “This is harder than I thought. Let’s see, I always tithed and at various times I was an elder, deacon, and trustee.”

“Well, that’s okay. We don’t hold that against you here. Let’s see — three points for tithing and half a point each for elder, deacon, and trustee. That’s four and one-half more. Keep going.”

“Let’s see,” Peter replied. “4 + 3 + 3 + 4.5. That equals 14.5 so far.”

“Argh. At the rate I’m going,” the man said, “it will take the grace of God to get me into heaven.”

“That’s a 1,000 points!” said Peter. “Come on in and welcome to heaven.”

[1] Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” (Genesis 12.1-3)

[2] The classical phrasing is a “mess of pottage,” often assumed to be the rendering in the King James Bible (AV). But the King James translation of Genesis 25.34 reads: “Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.” The “mess of pottage” phrase actually derives from a chapter heading that appeared in English Bibles of 1537 and 1539, and the Geneva Bible of 1560. David Lyle Jeffrey, ed., A Dictionary of Biblical Tradition in English Literature (Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans, 1992) 501.

[3] Birch, 49.

[4] Tom Smothers (Thomas Bolin Smothers III) was born on February 2, 1937 in New York City. Dick Smothers (Richard R. Smothers) was born on November 20, 1939, also in New York City. Wikipedia, online, en.wikipedia.org, Internet, 8 July 2005.

[5] Two of the more popular seem to be The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman (Grand Rapids: Revell, 1998) and The Birth Order Effect: How to Better Understand Yourself and Others by Cliff Isaacson and Kris Radish (Cincinnati: Adams Media Corporation, 2002). Of the latter it was said on the Amazon.com website: “The Birth Order Effect represents a new and revolutionary way of thinking about birth order. More important, this book enables you to go beyond theory and put into practice what you learn.” You can “understand why others act and react as they do.”

[6] Joseph Telushkin, Biblical Literacy: The Most Important People, Events, and Ideas of the Hebrew Bible (New York: William Morrow, 1997) 52.

[7] Telushkin, 54. The Talmud is considered an authoritative record of rabbinic discussions on Jewish law, Jewish ethics, customs, legends, and stories. The Talmud comprises two components, the Mishnah and the Gemara, a discussion of the Mishnah (though the terms Talmud and Gemara are generally used interchangeably). It expands on the earlier writings in the Torah in general and in the Mishnah in particular. The Babylonian Talmud was redacted as a formal collection around the year 550 ce. The Babylonian Talmud comprises the full Mishnah, the 37 gemaras, and the extra-canonical minor tractates, in 5,894 folios. Wikipedia, online, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babylonian_Talmud, Internet, 8 July 2005.

[8] Brueggemann makes this point powerfully: “Jacob is a scandalous challenge to his world because the God who calls him is also scandalous. We are not told why God challenged the legitimated convention of the community by designating this ‘heel’ of a man (25:26). But he does! It is this same God who will later struggle with Jacob and leave him crippled (32:22-32). At many points the narrative presents the inscrutable, dark side of God. It offers a radical theological affirmation which has been appreciated by Paul. The God of Israel comes to and sojourns with the unworthy and unvalued until they are bought safely home (cf. 28:15). It is that scandalous God who finally settled on a Crucified One as the way to make all things new. Thus, this oracle of inversion is not simply a political program of preference for Israel over Edom or Aram, though it may be that as well. It is also a disclosure about this God. To be faithful to the call of such a God brings conflict because this God himself evokes and enters into conflict with the way the world is organized.” Walter Brueggemann, Genesis, Interpretation: A Bible Commentary for Teaching and Preaching (Atlanta: John Knox Press, 1982) 209-210.